fair copy, September 1923, I.2§1 draft level 1

MS British Library 47472 98 Draft details

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Concerning the genesis of Harold or Humphrey Coxon's agnomen and discarding |1finally once & for all1| those theories |1from older sources1| which would link him either with |1such pivotal ancestors as1| the Glues, Gravys & Earwickers of Sidleham in the hundred of manhood or proclaim him a descendant of vikings who had founded or settled in Herwick (?) or Erwick (?) the most authentic version has it that it was this way. |1Like We are told that how it came to pass that like1| |1cabbaging1| Cincinnatus |1in prefall paradise peace1| the grand old gardener was |1saving daylight1| one sabbath afternoon |1by1| following his plough for rootles in the rear garden of |1his royal ye olde1| marine hotel when royalty was announced by runner to have been pleased to |1halt have halted itself1| on the highroad along which a dogfox had cast. Forgetful of all but |1his vassal's1| plain fealty |1to the ethnarch1|, |1Harold or Humphrey Humphrey or Harold1| stayed not to yoke or saddle but stumbled out hotface as he was (his sweatful bandana loose from his pocketcoat) to |1his forecourts the forecourts of his public1| in |1topee1| surcingle, plusfours and bulldog boots |1coated ruddled1| with red marl jingling his turnpike keys and holding aloft amid the fixed pikes of the hunting party a high perch atop of which a flowerpot was fixed |1wrongside earthside1| up. On his majesty, who was |1or feigned to be1| noticeably longsighted from |1early green1| youth |1inquiring whether he had not been engaged in and had meant to inquire what had caused the causeway to be so potholed, asking to be put wise whether |awhitebait paternostera| were not now more fancied |abaita| for1| lobstertrapping honest blunt Harompheyld answered |1in no uncertain tones1| very similarly |1with fearless forehead1|: |1No, majesty, I was Naw, 'jsty, I war1| just a cotchin |1of on1| them bluggy earwigs. |1The king Our sailor king1|, who |1held a draught was draining a gugglet1| of obvious water in his hand, upon this smiled very heartily beneath his walrus moustaches and, giving way to that none too genial humour which William the Conk |1on the spindleside1| had inherited from his great aunt Sophy, turned towards two of his retinue |1of gallowglasses1|, |1the Michael, etheling1| lord of Leix in Offaly and the |1jubilee1| mayor of |1Waterford Drogheda1| (the |1second gun being the syndic of Drogheda two |aguns scattergunsa| being Michael Manning, protosyndic of Waterford and an Italian excellency |anamed Giubileia|1| according to a later version cited by the learned |1Kanavan scholarch Canavan of Canmakenoise1|) and |1dilsydulsily1| remarked: Holybones, how our brother of Berengaria would fume did he know that weº have for trusty |1vassal bailiwick1| a turnpiker who is also an earwicker. |1Comes the question1| Are these the facts as recorded in both or either of these |1versions andrewpomurphyc narratives1|? We shall perhaps not |1so soon1| see. |1But it is certain The great fact remains1| that after that historic date all |1documents holographs1| initialled by Haromphrey bear the sigla H.C.E and while he was long and always good |1duke Humphrey dook Umphrey1| for the |1ragged hungerlean1| spalpeens of Lucalizod and Cox to his cronies it was as certainly a pleasant turn of the populace which gave him as sense of those letters the nickname Here Comes Everybody. An imposing everybody he always
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indeed looked |1|aalways the same as himselfa| & magnificently well worthy of the name1| every time he |1surveyed the entire playhouse continually surveyed from good start to happy finale the |awhole truly catholica| assemblage |agathered to applaud The Lily or The Bo Girl or |bW.W. Kelly'sb| A Royal Divorce with ambitious selections from The Lily and The Bo Girl |bin the old playhouse on Chapel greenb|a|1| on all gala nights from his royal viceregal booth where |1he a veritable Napoleon IV |athe father of his peoplea| all the time1| sat with |1all the entirety of1| his house about him with the invariable broadstretched kerchief cooling his |1whole1| neck and shoulders and in a wardrobepanelled tuxedo thrown |1completely1| back from a shirt wellnamed a swallowall in every way altogether outstarching the laundered clawhammers and marbletopped highboys of the pit stalls and early gallery. A baser meaning has been read into these letters the literal sense of which decency can safely only hint. It has been bruited |1by certain wisecracks1| that he suffered from a vile disease. To such a suggestion the one selfrespecting answer is to affirm that there are certain statements which ought not to be, and one would like to be able to add, ought not to be allowed to be made. Nor have his detractors, who, an imperfectly warmblooded race, apparently conceive him as |1a great white catterpillar1| capable of any and every enormity |1in the calendar1| recorded to the discredit of the Juke and Kellikek families mended their case by insinuating that, |1if not, alternatively,1| he was at one time under the ludicrous imputation of annoying soldiers in the park. To anyone who knew and loved |1the Christlikeness of |abig cleanminded gianta|1| H.C. Earwicker |1throughout his existence1| the suggestion |1of him as a lustsleuth |anosing for trouble in a boobytrapa|1| |1sounds rings1| preposterous. Slander, let it lie its |1worst, |ahardest, flattest,a|1| |1Truth compels one to add1| There was some case of the kind, it is |1sometimes1| believed, implicating a |1man named Lyons quidam then walking about Dublin |awith a bad record who has remained completely anonymousa|1| who was posted |1it is said,1| at Mallon's |1at the instance of the |aWatch Warriorsa| vigilance committee1| and years afterwards |1|ait seems, seeminglya|,1| dropped dead whilst |1writes one1| waiting for a chop |1somewhere1| in Hawkins street. But slander, let it lie its flattest, has never been able to convict that good |1and great & no ordinary Southron1| man Earwicker |1(as a pious author named him)1| of any graver impropriety than that |1advanced by certain woodwards and regarders, who did not deny that they had that day consumed unread their soul of the corn,1| of having behaved in ungentlemanly manner opposite a pair of |1dainty1| maidservants in the |1greenth of the1| rushy hollow whither, |1or so both gown & pinners alleged dame1| nature, as they alleged, had spontaneously and |1at the same time about the same hour of the |aevening eventidea|1| sent them both but whose combinations of testimonies are, if not dubiously pure, visibly divergent on minor points touching |1the nature of this, a first offence in vert or venison1| what was admittedly an incautious but, at its most, a partial exposure with attenuating circumstances of an abnormal S. Martin's summer |1and a ripe occasion1| to provoke it.