I was just passing the time of day with old Troy of the D.M.P. at the corner of Arbour hill there and be damned but a bloody sweep came along and he near drove his gear into my eye. I turned around to let him have the weight of my tongue when who should I see dodging along Stony Batter only Joe Hynes.
— Lo, Joe, says I. How are you blowing? Did you see that bloody chimneysweep near shove my eye out with his brush?
— Soot's luck, says Joe. Who's the old ballocks you were talking to?
— Old Troy, says I, was in the force. I'm on two minds not to give that fellow in charge for obstructing the thoroughfare with his brooms and ladders.
— What are you doing round those parts? says Joe.
— Devil a much, says I. There's a bloody big foxy thief beyond by the garrison church at the corner of Chicken lane — old Troy was just giving me a wrinkle about him — lifted any God's quantity of tea and sugar to pay three bob a week said he had a farm in the county Down off a hop-of-my-thumb by the name of Moses Herzog over there near Heytesbury street.
— Circumcised? says Joe.
— Ay, says I. A bit off the top. An old plumber named Geraghty.
I'm hanging on to his taw now for the past fortnight and I can't get a penny out of him.
— That the lay you're on now? says Joe.
— Ay, says I. How are the mighty fallen! Collector of bad and doubtful debts. But that's the most notorious bloody robber you'd meet in a day's walk and the face on him all pockmarks would hold a shower of rain. Tell him, says he, |3if he dare I dare him, says he, and I doubledare him3| to send you round here again, |3says he or if he does, says he,3| I'll have him summonsed up before the court, so I will, for trading without a licence. And he after stuffing himself till he's fit to burst. Jesus I had to laugh at the little jewy getting his rag shirt out. He drink me my teas. He eat me my sugars. Why he no pay me my moneys.
For nonperishable goods bought of Moses Herzog, of 13 Saint Kevin's
parade in the city of Dublin, Wood quay ward, merchant, hereinafter called the
vendor, and sold and delivered to Michael. E. Geraghty, esquire, of 29 Arbour
hill in the city of Dublin, Arran quay ward, gentleman, hereinafter called the
purchaser, videlicet, five pounds avoirdupois of first choice tea at three
pence3| per pound
avoirdupois and three stone avoirdupois of sugar, crushed crystal, at
threepenceº per pound avoidupois, the
said purchaser debtor to the said vendor of one pound five shillings and
sixpence sterling for value received which amount shall be paid by said
purchaser to said vendor in weekly instalments every seven calendar days of three
shillings and no pence sterling: and the said nonperishable goods shall not be pawned or pledged or sold or otherwise alienated by the said purchaser but shall be and remain and be held to be the sole and exclusive property of the said vendor to be disposed of at his good will and pleasure until the said amount shall have been duly paid by the said purchaser to the said vendor in the manner herein set forth as this day hereby agreed between the said vendor, his heirs, successors, trustees and assigns, of the one part and the said purchaser, his heirs, successors, trustees and assigns of the other part.
— Are you a strict t.t.? says Joe.
— Not taking anything between drinks, says I.
— What about paying our respects to our friend? says Joe.
— Who? says I. Sure, he's up out in John of God's off his head, poor man.
— Drinking his own stuff? says Joe.
— Ay, says I. Whisky and water on the brain.
— Come around to Barney Kiernan's, says Joe. I want to see the citizen.
— Barney mavourneen's be it, says I. Anything strange or wonderful, Joe?
— Not a word, says Joe. I was up at that meeting in the City Arms.
— What was that, Joe? says I.
— Cattle traders, says Joe, about the foot and mouth disease. I want to give the citizen the hard word about it.
So we went around by the Linenhall barracks and the back of the courthouse
talking of one thing or another. Decent fellow Joe when he has it but sure like that
he never has it. Jesus, I couldn't get over that bloody foxy Geraghty. For trading without a licence, says he.
In Inisfail the fair there lies a land, the land of holy Michan. There rises a watchtower beheld of men afar. There sleep the mighty dead as in life they slept, warriors and princes of high renown. A pleasant land it is in sooth of murmuring waters, fishful streams where sport the gunnard, the plaice, the halibut, the flounder |3the pollock3| and other denizens of the acqueous kingdom too numerous to be enumerated. In the mild breezes of the west and of the east the lofty trees wave in different directions their firstclass foliage, the sycamore, the Lebanonian cedar, the exalted planetree, the eucalyptus and other ornaments of the arboreal world with which that region is thoroughly well supplied. Lovely maidens sit in close proximity to the roots of the |3lovely3| trees singing the most lovely songs while they play with all kinds of lovely objects as for example golden ingots, silvery fishes, purple seagems and playful insects. And heroes voyage from afar to woo them, the sons of kings.
And there rises a shining palace whose
crytallyº glittering roof is seen by
mariners who traverse the extensive sea in barks
for that purpose3|,
and thither come all herds and
and3| firstfruits of
that land for O'Connell Fitzsimon takes toll of them, a chieftain descended from chieftains.
Thither the extremely large wains bring foison of the fields, spherical potatoes and irridescent kale and onions, pearls of the earth, and red, green, yellow, brown, russet, sweet, big, bitter, ripe, pomellated apples and strawberries fit for princes and raspberries from their canes.
I dare him, says he, and I doubledare him.
And thither wend the herds innumerable of heavyhooved kine from pasturelands of Lusk and Rush and Carrickmines and from the streamy vales of Thomond and from the gentle declivities of the place of the race of Kiar, their udders distended with superabundance of milk and butter and rennets of cheese and oblong eggs, various in size, the agate with the dun.
So we turned into Barney Kiernan's and there, sure enough, was the citizen as large as life up in the corner having a |3great3| confab with himself and that bloody mangy mongrel, Garryowen, and he waiting for what the sky would drop in the way of drink.
— There he is, says I, in his glory hole, |3with his load of papers3| working for the cause.
The bloody mongrel let a grouse out of him would give you the creeps. Be a corporal work of mercy if someone would take the life of that bloody dog. I'm told for a fact he ate a good part of the breeches off a constabulary man in Santry that came round one time with a blue paper about a licence.
— Stand and deliver, says he
— That's all right, citizen, says
Joe. Friends here.
— Pass, friends, says he.
Then he rubs his hand in his eye and says he:
— What's your opinion of the times?
Doing the rapparee |3touch3|. But, begob, Joe was equal to the occasion.
— I think the markets are on a rise, says he, sliding his hand down his fork.
So begob the citizen claps his paw on his knee and he says:
— Foreign wars is the cause of it.
And says Joe, sticking his thumb in his pocket:
— It's the Russians wish to tyrannise.
— Arrah, give over your bloody codding, Joe, says I. I've a thirst on me I wouldn't sell for half a crown.
— Give it a name, citizen, says Joe.
— Wine of the country, says he.
— What's yours? says Joe.
— Ditto MacAnaspey, says I.
— Three pints, Terry, says Joe. And how's the old heart, citizen? says he.
— Never better, a chara, says he. What Garry? Are we going to win? Eh?
And with that he took the bloody old towser by the scruff of the neck and, by Jesus, he near throttled him.
The figure seated on a large boulder was that of a
stronglimbed, frankeyed, redhaired
shaggybearded, widemouthed, largenosed, longheaded deepvoiced, barekneed,
brawnyhanded, hairylegged, ruddyfaced, sinewyarmed hero. From shoulder to
shoulder he measured several ells and his rocklike knees were covered, as was
likewise the rest of his body wherever visible, with a strong growth of tawny
hair in hue and toughness similar to the mountain gorse
Europeus3|). The widewinged nostrils, from which bristles
of the same tawny hue projected, were of such capaciousness that within their cavernous obscurity the fieldlark might easily have lodged her nest. The eyes in which a tear and a smile strove ever for the mastery were of the dimensionº of a goodsized cauliflower. A powerful current of warm breath issued at regular intervals from the profound cavity of his mouth while in rhythmic resonance the loud strong hale reverberations of his formidable heart thundered rumblingly causing the ground and the lofty walls of the cave to vibrate and tremble.
He wore a long unsleeved garment of recently flayed oxhide reaching to the
knees in a loose kilt and this was bound about his middle by a girdle of plaited
straw and rushes. Beneath this he wore trews of deerskin, roughly stitched with
gut. His nether extremities were encased in high buskins dyed in lichen purple,
the feet being shod with brogues of salted cowhide laced with the windpipe of
the same beast. From his girdle hung a row of seastones which jangled at every
movement of his portentous frame and on these were graven with rude yet striking
art the tribal images of many heroes of antiquity, Cuchulin, Conn of hundred
battles, Niall of nine hostages, Brian of Kincora, the ardri Malachi, Art Mac
Murragh, Shane O'Neill, Father John Murphy, Owen Roe, Patrick Sarsfield,
Red Hugh O'Donnell, Don Philip O'Sullivan Beare. A spear of acuminated
granite rested by him while at his feet reposed a savage animal of the
canine tribe whose stertorous gasps announced that he was sunk in uneasy slumber, a supposition confirmed by hoarse growls and spasmodic movements which his master repressed from time to time by tranquilising blows of a mighty cudgel rudely fashioned out of paleolithic stone.
So anyhow Terry brought the three pints Joe was standing and begob the sight nearly left my eyes when I saw him land out a quid. O, as true as I'm telling you. A goodlooking sovereign.
— And there's more where that came from, says he.
— Were you robbing a poorbox, Joe? says I.
— Sweat of my brow, says Joe. 'Twas the prudent member gave me the wheeze
— I saw him before I met you, says I, sloping around by Pill lane with his cod's eye counting up all the guts of the fish.
Who comes through Michan's land, bedight in sable armour? O'Bloom, the son of Rory: it is he. Impervious to fear is Rory's son: he of the prudent soul.
— For the old woman of Prince's street, says the citizen, the subsidisedº organ. |3The pledgebound party on the floor of the house.3| And look at this blasted rag, a says he.
|3He had a pile of papers on the barrel beside him. Look3|
— Look at this, says he. The Irish Independent, if you please, founded by Parnell to be the workingman's friends. Listen to the births and deaths in the Irish all for Ireland Independent, and I'll thank you, and the marriages.
And he starts reading them out:
— Gordon, Barnfield crescent,
Exeter; Redmayne of Iffley, Saint Anne's on Sea: the wife of William T Redmayne of a son. How's that, eh? Playwood and Ridsdale, Wright and Flint, Vincent and Gillett to Rotha Marion daughter of Rosa and the late George Alfred Gillett, 179 Clapham road, Stockwell, Playwood and Ridsdale at Saint Jude's Kensington by the very reverend Dr Forrest, dean of Worcester. Eh? Deaths. Bristow, at Whitehorse lane, London: Cann, Stoke Newington of gastritis and heart disease: Cockburn, at the Moat house, Chepstow …
— I know that fellow, says Joe, from bitter experience.
— Cockburn. Dimsey, wife of David Dimsey, late of the admiralty: Miller, Tottenham, aged eightyfive: Welsh, June 12, at 35 Canning street, Liverpool, Isabella Helen. How's that for a national press, eh? How's that for Martin Murphy, the Bantry jobber!?
— Ah, well, says Joe, handing round the boose. Thanks be to God they had the start of us. Drink that, citizen.
— I will, says he, honourable person
— Health, Joe, says I.
Ah! Ow! Don't be talking! I was blue mouldy for the want of that pint. Declare to God I could hear it hit the pit of my stomach with a click.
And lo, as they quaffed their cup of joy, a godlike messenger came running
in, radiant as the eye of heaven, a comely youth. And behind him there passed an
elder of noble gait and countenance, bearing the sacred
scrolls of law and with him his lady wife, a dame of peerless lineage, fairest of her race.
Little Alf Bergan popped in round the door and hid behind Barney's snug, squeezed up with the laughing. And who was sitting up there in the corner that I hadn't seen snoring drunk |3blind to the world3| only Bob Doran. I didn't know what was up and Alf kept making signs out of the door. And begob what was it only that bloody old pantaloon Denis Breen in his bathslippers with two bloody big books tucked under his oxter and the wife hotfoot after him, unfortunate wretched woman, trotting like a poodle. I thought Alf would split.
— Look at him, says he. Breen. He's traipsing all round Dublin with a postcard someone sent him with u.p: up on it to take a li …
And he doubled up.
— Take a what? says I
— Libel action, says he, for ten thousand pounds.
— O hell! says I.
The bloody mongrel began to growl seeing something was up but the citizen gave him a kick in the ribs. |3Begob, he wakened Bob Doran anyhow.3|
— Bi i dho husht, says he.
— Who? says Joe.
— Breen, says Alf. He was in John Henry Menton's and then he went round to Colles and Ward's and then Tom Rochford met him and sent him round to the subsheriff's for a lark. O God, I've a pain laughing. U.p: up. The long fellow gave him an eye as good as a process and now the bloody old lunatic is gone round to Green street to look for a G. man.
— When is that
coming off long John going to hang
|xthat fellowx|3| in Mountjoy? says Joe.
— Bergan, says Bob Doran, waking up. Is that Alf Bergan.
— Yes, says Alf. Hanging? Wait till I show you. Here, Terry, give us a pony of stout. That bloody old fool! Ten thousand pounds. You should have seen long John's eye. U.p ….
And he started laughing.
— Who are you laughing at? says Bob |3Doran3|. Is that Bergan?
— Hurry up, Terry boy, says Alf|3, with the stout3|.
Terence O'Ryan heard him and straightway brought him a crystal cup full of the foamy ebon ale which the noble twin brothers Bungiveaghº and Bungardilaun brew ever in their divine alevats, cunning as the sons of deathless Leda. For they garner the succulent berries of the hop and mass and sift and bruise and brew them and they mix therewith sour juices and bring the must to the sacred fire and cease not night or day from their toil, those cunning brothers, lords of the vat.
Then did you, Terence, hand forth, as to the manner born, that nectarous beverage and you offered the crystal cup to him that thirsted, in beauty akin to the immortals.
But he, the young chief of the O'Bergan's,
ill brook to be outdone in generous deeds but gave therefor with gracious
gesture a testoon of costliest bronze. Thereon embossed in excellent smith work
was seen the image of a queen of regal port, Victoria her name, by grace of God
queen of Great Britain and Ireland, empress of India, defender of the faith,
even she, who bore rule, a victress over many peoples, the wellbeloved, for they
knew and loved her from the rising of the sun to the going down thereof, the pale, the dark, the ruddy and the ethiop.
— What's that bloody freemason doing, says the citizen, prowling up and down outside?
— What's that? says Joe.
— Here you are, says Alf, chucking out the rhino. Talking about hanging, I'll show you something you never saw. Hangmen's letters. Look at here.
So he took a bundle of wisps of letters and envelopes out of his pocket.
— Are you codding? says I.
— Honest injun, says Alf. Read them.
So Joe took up the letters
— Who were you laughing at? says Bob |3Doran3|.
So I saw there was going to be a bit of a dust Bob's a queer chap when the porter's up in him so says I just to make talk:
— How's |3Paddy Leonard Willie Murray3| those times, Alf?
— I don't know, says Alf. I saw him just now in Capel street with Paddy Dignam. Only I was running after that ….
— You what? says Joe, throwing down the letters. With who?
— With Dignam, says Alf.
— Is it Paddy? says Joe.
— Yes, says Alf. Why?
— Don't you know he's dead? says Joe.
— Paddy Dignam dead|3,!3| says Alf
— |3Ay, says Joe.3|
— Sure I'm after seeing him not five minutes ago, says Alf, as plain as a pikestaff.
— Who's dead? says Bob Doran
— You saw his ghost then, says Joe, God between us and harm
— What? says Alf. Good Christ, only five …. What? … And |3Paddy Leonard Willie Murray3| with him, the two of them there near what do you call him's …. What? Dignam dead?
— What about Dignam? says Bob |3Doran3|. Who's talking about ….?
— Dead! says Alf. He's no more dead than you are.
— Maybe so, says Joe. They took the liberty of burying him this morning anyhow
— Paddy? says Joe Alf.
— Ay, says Joe. He paid the debt of nature, God be merciful to him.
— Good Christ! says Alf.
Begod he was what you might call flabbergasted.
In the darkness, spirit
hands were felt to flutter, and when prayer by tantras had been directed to the proper quarter a faint but increasing luminosity of dark ruby light became gradually visible, the apparition of the etheric double being particularly lifelike owing to the discharge of jivic rays from the crown of the head and face. Communicationº was effected through the pituitary body and also by means of the orangefiery and scarlet rays emanatingº from the sacral region and solar plexus. Questioned as to his whereabouts he stated that he was now on the path of pralaya or return but was still submitted to trial at the hands of certain bloodthirsty entities on the lower astral levels. In reply to a question as to his first sensations beyond he stated that previously he had seen but as in a glass darkly but that those who had passed over had summit possibilities of atmic development opened up to them. Interrogated as to whether life there resembled our experience in the flesh he stated that he had heard from more favoured beings that their abodes were equipped with every modern comfort and that the highest adepts were steeped in waves of volupcy of the very purest nature. Having requested a |3jug quart3| of buttermilk this was brought and evidently afforded relief. Asked if he had any message for the living he exhorted all who were still at the wrong side of maya to acknowledge the true path for it was reported in devanic circles that Mars and Jupiter were out for mischief on the eastern angle where the ram has power. It was then queried whether there were any special desires on the part of the defunct and the reply was: Mind C.K. doesn't pile it on. It was ascertained that the reference was to Mr Cornelius Kelleher, manager
of Messrs H.J. O'Neill's popular funeral establishment, a personal friend of the defunct who had been responsible for the |3carrying out of the3| interment arrangements. Before departing he requested that it should be told to his dear son Patsy that the other boot which he had been looking for was at present under the commode in the return room and that the pair should be sent to blank to be soled only as the heels were still good. He stated that this had greatly perturbed his peace of mind in the other region and earnestly requested that his desire should be made known. Assurances were given that the matter would be attended to and it was intimated that this had given satisfaction.
He is gone from mortal haunts: O'Dignam, sun of our morning. Fleet was his foot on the bracken: Patrick of the beamy brow. Wail, Banba, with your wind: and wail, O ocean, with your whirlwind.
— There he is again, says the citizen, staring out.
— Who? says I.
— Bloom, says he. He's on point duty up and down there for the last ten minutes.
And, begob, I saw him do a peep in and then slidder off again.
Little Alf was knocked bawways. Faith, he was.
— Good Christ! says he. I could have sworn it was him.
And says Bob Doran, with the hat on the back of his poll|3, |aunread lowest blackguard in Dublina| when he's under the influence3|
— Who said Christ is good?
— I beg your parsnips, says Alf.
— Ah, well, says Alf, trying to pass it off. He's over all his
But Bob |3Doran3| shouts out of him.
— He's a bloody ruffian, I say, to take away poor little Willie Dignam.
Terry came down and |3told him tipped him the wink3| to |3be keep3| quiet, that they didn't want that kind of talk in a respectable licensed premises. And |3Bob3| Doran starts doing the weeps about Paddy Dignam|3, true as you're there3|.
— The finest man, says he, snivelling, the finest, purest character.
Talking through his bloody hat. Fitter for him go home to the little sleepwalking bitch he married, Mooney, the bailiff's daughter., Mother kept a kip in Hardwicke street, that used to be stravaging about the landings Bantam Lyons told me that was stopping there at two in the morning without a stitch on her, open to all comers|3. Fair, fair3| field and no favour.
— The noblest, the truest, says he. And he's gone, poor little Willie, poor little Paddy Dignam.
And mournful and with a heavy heart he bewept the extinction of that beam of heaven.
|3Old Garryowen started growling again at Bloom that was skeezing round the door3|
— Come in, come on, says the citizen. |3He won't eat you.3|
So Bloom slopes in |3erased with his cod's eye on the dog3| and he asks |3Alf Terry3| was Martin Cunningham there.
— O, Christ Mackeon, says Joe, reading one of the letters. Listen to this, will you?
And he starts reading out one.
7 Hunter street
To the High Sheriff of Dublin
Honoured sir i beg to offer my services in the abovementioned
painful case i hanged Joe Gann in Bootle jail on the 12 of Febuary
1900 and i hanged ….
— Show us, Joe, says I.
— … private Arthur Chace for fowl murder of Jessie Tilsit in Pentonville prison and I was assistant when ….
— Jesus, says I
— … Billington executed the awful murderer Toad Smith …
The citizen made a grab at the letter.
— Hold hard, says Joe, i have a special nack of putting the noose once in he can't get out hoping to be favoured i remain, honoured sir, my terms is five guinees.
— And a barbarous bloody barbarian he is too, says the citizen
— And the dirty scrawl of the wretch, says Joe. Here, says he, take them to hell out of my sight., Alf. Hello, Bloom, says he, what will you have?
They started arguing about the point, Bloom saying he wouldn't and he couldn't and excuse him |3no offence3| and all to that and then he said well he'd just take a cigar. Gob, he's a prudent member and no mistake.
— Give us one of your prime stinkers, Terry, says Joe.
And Alf was telling us there was one chap sent in a mourning card with a black border round it.
— There all barbers, says he, from the black country that would hang their own fathers for five quid. |3down. |aand travelling expenses.a|3|
And he was telling us they chop up the rope after and sell the bits for a few |3shillings bob3| each.
In the dark land they bide, the vengeful knights of the
razor. Their deadly coil they grasp: yea, and therein they lead to Erebus |3whomsoever whatsoever wight3| hath done a deed of blood for I will on nowise suffer it even so saith the Lord.
So they started talking about capital punishment and of course Bloom comes out with the why and the wherefore and all the codology of the business and the old dog smelling him all the time |3I'm told those jewies has a queer |asort ofa| odour |acoming off them for dogsa|3| about I don't know what all deterrent effect and so forth and so on.
— There w There's one thing it hasn't a deterrent effect on, says Alf
— What's that? says Joe
— The poor bugger's tool that's being hanged, says Alf.
— That so? says Joe.
— God's truth, says Alf. I heard that from the head warder that was in Kilmainham when they hanged Joe Brady, the invincible. He told me when they cut him down after the drop it was standing up in their faces like a poker.
— Ruling passion strong in death, says Joe.
— That can be explained |3by science3|, says Bloom. It's only |3a3| natural |3phenomenon3|, don't you see, because on account of the …
And then he starts with his jawbreakers about phenomenon and |3phenomenon science3| and this phenomenon and the other phenomenon.
The distinguished scientist Herr Professor Luitpold Blumenduft tendered
medical evidence to the effect that the instantaneous fracture of the cervical
vertebrae and consequent scission of the spinal cord would, according to the
best approved tradition of medical science, be calculated to produce
human subject3| a
violent ganglionic stimulus of the nerve centres of the genital apparatus,
thereby causing the elastic pores of the
cavernosa3| to rapidly
dilate in such a way as to facilitate the flow of blood to that part of the human anatomy known as the penis or male organ resulting in the phenomenon which has been denominated by the faculty a morbid upwards and outwards philoprogenetive erection in articulo mortis per diminutionem capitis.
So of course the citizen was only waiting for the wink of the word and he starts gassing out of him about the invincibles and who fears to speak of ninetyeight and Joe with him about all the fellows that were hanged for the cause |3by drumhead courtmartial3| and |3a3| new Ireland and new this that and the other. Talking about new Ireland he ought to go and get a new dog so he ought. Mangy |3old ravenous3| brute |3smelling sniffing and sneezing3| all round the place and scratching his scabs. and round he goes to Bob Doran that was standing Alf a half one sucking up for what he could get. So of course Bob Doran starts doing the bloody fool with his:
— Give us the paw! Give the paw, doggy! Good old doggy! Give the paw here! Give us the paw!
Arrah, bloody end to the paw he'd give and Alf trying to keep him from tumbling off the bloody stool. atop of the bloody old dog. and he talking all kinds of drivel about tranning by kindness and thoroughbred dog and intelligent dog: give you the bloody pip. Then he starts scraping a few bits of old biscuit out of |3the bottom of3| a Jacobs' tin he told Terry to bring. Gob, he golloped it down like old boots and his tongue hanging out for more. Near ate the tin and all, hungry bloody mongrel.
And the citizen and Bloom having an argument about the point, Robert Emmet
and die for your country, the Tommy Moore touch about Sarah Curran and
she's far from the land. And Bloom, of course, with
his knock me down cigar putting on swank with his lardy face. Phenomenon! The |3wife fat heap3| he |3has married3| is a nice old phenomenon. Time they were stopping up in the City Arms pisser Burke told me there was an old one there with a cracked nephew and Bloom trying to get the soft side of her |3doing the molly coddle3| playing bézique to |3get come in for3| a bit of the wampum in her will and |3not eating meat of a Friday because the old one was always thumping her craw and3| taking the lout out for a walk. And one time he brought him back as drunk as a boiled owl |3and he said he did it3| to teach him the evils of alcohol. And, by herrings, the women near roasted him, the old one, Bloom's |3missus wife3| and Mrs O'Dowd that kept the hotel. Jesus, I had to laugh at pisser Burke taking them off chewing the fat. And Bloom with his but don't you see? and but on the other hand. Phenomenon!
— The memory of the dead, says the citizen taking up his pintglass and glaring at Bloom.
— Ay, ay, says Joe.
— You don't grasp my point, says Bloom. What I mean is …
— Sinn Fein! says the citizen. Sinn fein amhain! The friends we love are by our side and the foes we hate before us.
The last farewell was affecting in the extreme. From the belfries far and
near the funereal deathbell tolled unceasingly while all around the gloomy
precincts rolled the ominous warning of a hundred muffled drums punctuated by
the hollow booming of pieces of ordnance. The deafening claps of thunder and the
dazzling flashes of lightning which lit up the ghastly scene testified that the
artillery of heaven had lent its supernatural pomp to the already gruesome
spectacle. A torrential rain poured down from the floodgates of the angry
heavens upon the bared heads of the assembled multitude which numbered at the
lowest computation five hundred thousand persons. The learned prelate who
administered the last comforts of holy religion
to the hero martyr knelt in a most christian spirit in a pool of rainwater, his cassock above his hoary head, and offered up to the throne of grace fervent prayers of supplication. Hand by the block stood the grim figure of the executioner, his visage being concealed in a ten gallon pot with two circular perforated apertures through which his eyes glowered furiously. As he awaited the fatal signal he tested the edge of his horrible weapon by honing it upon his brawny forearm or decapitated in rapid succession a flock of sheep which had been provided by the admirers of his fell but necessary office. On a handsome mahogany table near him were neatly arranged the quartering knife, the various finely tempered disembowelling appliances, a terra cotta saucepan for the reception of the duodenum, colon, blind intestine and appendix |3etc3| when successfully extricated and two commodious milkjugs destined to receive the most precious blood of the most precious |3martyr victim3|. The housesteward of the amalgamated cats' and dogs' home was in attendance to convey these vessels when replenished to that beneficent institution. Quite an excellent repast consisting of rashers and eggs, fried steak and onions, delicious hot breakfast rolls and invigorating tea had been considerately provided by the authorities for the consumption of the central figure of the tragedy but he expressed the dying wish (immediately acceded to) that the meal should be divided in aliquot parts among the members of the sick and indigent roomkeepers' association as a token of his regard and esteem. The non
plus ultra of emotion was reached when the blushing bride elect burst her way through the serried ranks of the bystanders and flung herself upon the muscular bosom of him who was about to die for her sake. The hero folded her willowy form in a loving embrace murmuring fondly “Sheila, my own”. Encouraged by this use of her christian name she kissed passionately all the various suitable areas |3of his person3| which the decencies of prison garb permitted her ardour to reach. She swore to him as they mingled the salt streams of their tears that she would |3ever3| cherish his memory, that she would never forget her hero boy. She brought back to his recollection the happy days of blissful childhood together on the banks of Anna Liffey when they had indulged in the innocent pastimes of the young and, oblivious of the dreadful present, they both laughed heartily, all the spectators, including the venerable pastor, joining in the general merriment.º But anon they were overcome with grief and clasped their hands for the last time. A fresh torrent of tears burst from their lachrymal ducts and the vast concourse of people, touched to the inmost core, broke into heartrending sobs not the least affected being the aged prebendary himself. |3A most romantic incident occurred when a handsome young Oxford graduate, noted for his chivalry towards the fair sex, stepped forward and, presenting his visiting card, bankbook and genealogical tree,º solicited the hand of the |ahaplessa| young lady|a. and was accepted on the spot. This timely and generous act evoked a fresh outburst of emotion: and when he placed on the finger of his blushing fiancée an |bexpensiveb| engagement ring with three emeralds set in the form of a shamrock the excitement knew no bounds.a|3| Nay, even the stern provostmarshalº, lieutenant-colonel Tomkin-Maxwell Frenchmullen Tomlinson, who presided on the sad occasion, he who had blown a considerable number of sepoys from the cannonmouthº without flinching, could not now restrain his natural emotion. With his mailed gauntlet
he brushed away a furtive tear and was overheard, by those privileged burghers who happened to be in his immediate entourage, to murmur to himself in a faltering undertone:
— God |3blame me blimey3| if she aint a clinker, that there |3bleeding3| tart. Blame me it makes me kind of cry, |3straight,3| it does, when I sees her cause I thinks of my old mashtub what's waiting for me down Limehouse way.
So then the citizen begins talking about the Irish language and the corporation meeting and all to that and the shoneens that can't speak their own language and Joe chipping in because he stuck someone for a quid and Bloom putting in his |3old3| goo with his |3cabbagy twopenny3| stump. that he cadged off Joe and talking about the Gaelic league and the antitreating league and drink, the curse of Ireland. Antitreatingº is about the size of it. Gob, he'd let you pour all manner of drink down his throat till the Lord would call him before you'd ever see the froth of his pint. And one night I went in with a fellow into one of their musical evenings, song and dance, and there was a fellow with a badge spiffing out of him in Irish and a lot of colleen bawns |3going3| about with temperance beverages and selling medals. And then an old fellow d starts blowing into his bagpipes and all shuffling their feet to the tune the old cow died of. And one or two |3priests sky pilots3| having an eye around that there was no goings on with the females, hitting below the belt.
So, as I was saying, the old dog seeing the tin was empty starts mousing
around by Joe and me. I'd train him by kindness, so I would, if he
was my dog. Give him a rousing fine kick now and again where it wouldn't blind him.
— Afraid he'll bite you? says the citizen|3, jeering3|.
— No, says I. But he might take my leg for a lamppost.
So he calls the old dog over.
— What's on you, Garryowen? says he.
Then he starts hauling and mauling and talking to him in Irish and the old towser growling, letting on to answer, like a duet in the opera. Such growling you never heard as they let off between them. Someone that has nothing better to do ought to write a letter pro bono publico to the papers about the muzzling order for a dog the like of that. Growling and grousing and his eye all bloodshot and the hydrophobia dropping out of his jaws.
All those who are interested in the spread of human culture among the lower
animals (and their name is legion) should make a point of not missing the really
marvellous exhibition of cynanthropy given by the famous animal Garryowen. The
exhibition, which is the result of years of training by kindness and a carefully
thought out dietary system, comprises, among other achievements, the recitation
of verse. Our phonetic experts have left no stone unturned in their efforts to
delucidate and compare the verse recited and have found it bears a striking
resemblance to the ranns of ancient Celtic bards. We are not speaking so much of
those delightful lovesongs with which the writer who conceals his identity under
the title of the ‘little sweet branch’
has familiarised the bookloving world but rather of the harsher and more personal note which is found in the satirical effusions of the famous Raftery and of Donal MacConsidine. We subjoin a specimen which has been rendered into English by an eminent scholar whose name for the moment we are not at liberty to disclose though we believe that our readers will find the topical allusion rather more than an indication. The metrical system of the canine original, which recalls the intricate alliterative and isosyllabicº rules of the Welsh englyn, is infinitely more complicated but we believe our readers will agree that the spirit has been well caught. Perhaps it should be added that the effect is greatly increased if the verse be spoken somewhat slowly and indistinctly in a tone suggestive of suppressed rancour.
The curse of my curses
Seven days every day
And seven dry Thursdays
On you, Barney Kiernan,
Has no sup of water
To cool my courage,
And my guts red roaring
After Lowry's lights.
So he told Terry to bring some water for the dog and, gob, you could hear him lapping it up a mile off. And Joe asked him would he have another.
— I will, says he, to show there's no ill feeling.
Gob, he's not as green as he's cabbagelooking. Arsing around from one pub to another
with a dog and getting fed up by the ratepayers. Entertainment for man and beast. And says Joe:
— Could you make a hole in another pint?
— Could a swim duck? says I.
— Same again, Terry, says Joe. Are you sure you won't have anything in the way of liquid refreshment? says he.
— Thank you, no, says Bloom. As a matter of fact I just wanted to meet Martin Cunningham, don't you see, about this insurance of Dignam's. Martin asked me to go to the house. You see, he, Dignam, I mean, didn't serve any notice of the assignment on the company at the time and really under the act the mortgagee can't recover on the policy.
— That's a good one, by God, says Joe, laughing|3, if old Bridgeman is landed3|. So the wife comes out top dog, what?
— Well, that's a point, says Bloom, for the wife's admirers.
— Whose admirers? says Joe.
— The wife's advisers, I mean, says Bloom.
Then he starts all confused mucking it up about mortgagor under the act and for the benefit of the wife and that a trust is created but on the other hand that Dignam owed the money and if now the wife or the widow |3contested the mortgagee's right3| till he near gave me a pain in my head. with his mortgagor under the act. He was bloody safe he wasn't run in himself under the act that time as a rogue and vagabond only he had a friend in court. Selling bazaar tickets or what do you call it royal Hungarian privileged lottery. O, commend me to an israelite! Royal and privileged |3Hungarian3| robbery.
So Bob Doran comes lurching around asking Bloom
to tell Mrs Dignam he was sorry for her trouble and he was very sorry about the funeral and to tell her that he said and everyone who knew him said that there was never a truer, a finer than poor little Willie that's dead to tell her. Choking with bloody foolery. And shaking Bloom's hand doing the tragic to tell her that. Shake hands, brother. You're a rogue and I'm another.
— Let me, |3said he,3| so far presume upon our acquaintance which, however slight it may appear if judged by the standard of mere time, is founded, as I hope and believe, on a sentiment of mutual esteem as to request of you this favour. But, should I have overstepped the limits of reserve let the sincerity of my feelings be the excuse for my boldness.
— No, rejoined the other, I appreciate to the full the motives which actuate your conduct and I shall discharge the office you entrust to me consoled by the reflection that, though the errand be one of sorrow, this proof of your confidence sweetens in some measure the bitterness of the cup.
— Then suffer me to take your hand, said he. The goodness of your heart, I feel sure, will dictate to you better than my inadequate words the expressions which are most suitable to convey an emotion of whose poignancy, were I to give vent to my feelings, would deprive me even of speech.
And off with him and out trying to walk straight. Boosed at five
o'clock. Night he was near being lagged only Paddy Leonard knew the bobby.
Boosed up in a shebeen in Bride street after closing time with two shawls and a
guard3| drinking porter out of teacups. And calling himself
a Frenchy for the shawls, Joseph Manuo, and talking against the Catholic religion, |3who wrote the3| new testament, and |3the3| old testament, and hugging and smugging. And the two shawls killed with the laughing, picking his pockets, |3the bloody fool3| and he spilling the porter all over the bed and the two shawls screeching laughing: at one another. How is your testament? Have you got an old testament? Only Paddy was passing there, I tell you what. Then see him of a Sunday with his little wife, and she |3dancing wagging her tail3| up the aisle of the chapel with her |3unread patent3| boots on her, no less, and her violets, nice as pie, doing the little lady. Jack Mooney's sister |3and. And3| the old prostitute of a mother letting rooms to |3stray street3| couples. Gob, Jack made him toe the line. Told him if he didn't |3marry her patch up the pot3|, Jesus, he'd kick the shite out of him.
So Terry brought the three pints.
— Here, says Joe, doing the honours. Here, citizen.
— Slan leat, says he.
— Fortune, Joe, says I. Good health, citizen.
Gob, he had his mouth half way down the tumbler already. Want a small fortune to keep him in drinks.
— Who is the long fellow running for the mayoralty, Alf? says Joe.
— Friend of yours, says Alf.
— Nan Nan|3,?3| says Joe.
— I won't mention any names, says Alf.
— I thought so, says Joe. I saw him up |3at the City Arms now3| at that meeting |3now3| with William Field, |3M.P.,3| the cattle traders.
says the citizen, the darling of all countries and the idol of his own.
Mr Coweº Conacre: (Multyfarnham. |3N.3|): Arising out of the question of my honourable friend may I ask the right honourable gentleman whether the government has already issued orders that these animals be slaughtered though no medical evidence is forthcoming as to their pathological condition.
Mr Allfours: (Tamo. C.) The house is |3already3| in possession of the evidence. The answer to the honourable member's question is in the affirmative.
Mr Orelli O'Reilly: (Montenotte. N.). Have similar orders been issued for the slaughter of human animals who dare to play Irish games in the Phoenix park?
Mr Allfours: — The answer is in the negative.
Mr Cowe Conacre: — Has the famous Mitchelstown telegram inspired the |3government3| policy |3of gentlemen on the Treasury bench.3|?
Mr Allfours: — I must have notice of that question.
Mr Staylewit: (Buncombe. Ind) Don't hesitate to shoot. (Ironical opposition cheers)
The Speaker: Order! Order!
So Joe starts telling the citizen about the foot and mouth disease and the cattle traders and taking action in the matter and the citizen sending them all to the rightabout and Bloom coming out with his guaranteed remedy for timber tongue in calves. Because he was up one time in a knacker's yard. Walking about with his book and pencil here's my head and my heels are coming till Joe Cuffe gave him the order of the boot for giving lip to a grazier. Mister Knowall. Teach your grandmother how to milk ducks. Pisser Burke was telling me in the hotel the wife used to be in rivers of tears some times with Mrs O'Dowd. Couldn't loosen her farting strings but old codseye was waltzing around her showing her how to do it. Ay. Humane methods. Because the poor animals suffer and experts say and the best known remedy that doesn't cause pain to the animal. and |3on the sore spot3| administer gently. Gob, he'd have a soft hand under a hen.
Ga |3ga Ga3| Gara. Klook Klook Klook. Black Liz is our hen. She lays eggs for us. When she lays her egg she is so glad. Gara. Klook Klook Klook. Then comes good uncle Leo. He puts his hand under black Liz and takes her fresh egg. |3Ga ga ga ga3| Gara. Klook Klook Klook.
— Anyhow, says Joe, Field and Nannetti are going over tonight to London to ask a question about it in the house of commons.
— Are you sure, says Bloom, the councillor is going. I wanted to see him, as it happens.
— Well, he's going off by the mailboat, says Joe, tonight.
— That's too bad, says Bloom. I
wanted particularly. Perhaps only Mr Field is going. I couldn't phone. No. You're sure?
— Nan Nan's going too, says Joe.
The league told him
to ask a question tomorrow about the commissioner of police forbidding Irish
games in the park. What do you think of that, citizen? The Sluagh na h-Eireann.
Mr Coweº Conacre (Multifarnham. Nat.): Arising out of the question of my honourable friend may I ask the right honourable gentleman whether the government has issued orders that these animals shall be slaughtered though no medical evidence is forthcoming as to their pathological condition?
Mr Allfours (Tamoshant. Con.): Honourable members are already in possession of the evidence. The answer to the honourable member's question is in the affirmative.
Mr Orelli O'Reilly (Montenotte. Nat.). Have similar orders been issued for the slaughter of human animals who dare to play Irish games in the Phoenix park?
Mr Allfours: The answer is in the negative.
Mr Cowe Conacre: Has the right honourable gentleman's famous Mitchelstown telegram inspired the policy of gentlemen on the Treasury bench? (O! O!)
Mr Allfours: I must have notice of that question.
Mr Staylewit (Buncombe. Ind.): Don't hesitate to shoot. (Ironical opposition cheers)
The speaker: Order! Order!
— There's the man, says Joe, that made the Gaelic sports revival. There he is sitting there. The man that got away James Stephens. The champion of all Ireland at putting the 56 pound shot. What was your best throw, citizen?
— Na bacleis, says the citizen, letting on to be modest. I was as good as the next fellow anyhow.
— You were, says Joe, and a bloody sight better.
— Is that really a fact? says Alf.
— Yes, says Bloom. That's well known. Did you not know that?
So off they started about Irish sports and shoneen games the like of lawn tennis and about hurley and putting the stone and racy of the soil and building up a nation once again. And of course Bloom had to have his say too about if a fellow had a weak heart violent exercise was bad. I declare to God if you took up a straw from the floor and if you said to Bloom: Look at, Bloom. Do you see that straw? That's a straw. Declare to my aunt he'd talk about it for an hour so w he would and talk steady.
A most interesting discussion took place in the ancient hall of the
O'Kiernan's under the auspices of Sluagh na h-Eireann on the
revival of ancient Gaelic sports and the importance of physical culture, as
understood in ancient Greece and ancient Rome and ancient Ireland, for the development of the
race. The venerable president of the noble order was in the chair and the attendance was of large dimensions. After an instructive discourse by the chairman a most interesting and instructive discussion ensued as to the desirability of the revivability of the ancient games and sports of our ancient Irish forefathers. The wellknown and highly respected worker in the cause of our old tongue Mr Joseph M'Carthy Hynes made an eloquent appeal for the resuscitation of the ancient Gaelic sports and pastimes as calculated to revive the best traditions of manly strength and prowess handed down to us from ancient ages. L. Bloom having espoused the negative the chairman brought the discussion to a close and, in response to repeated requests and hearty plaudits from all parts of the house, by a remarkably noteworthy rendering of Thomas Osborne Davis's immortal verses A Nation Once Again in the execution of which the veteran patriot champion may be said without fear of contradiction to have fairly excelled himself. His stentorian notes were heard to the greatest advantage in the timehonoured anthem and his superb highclass vocalism was vociferously applauded by the large audience amongst among which were to be noticed many prominent members of the clergy as well as representatives of the press and the bar and the other learned professions. The proceedings then terminated.
— Talking about violent exercise, says Alf, were you at that |3Keogh-Bennett3| match |3between?3|
— No, says Joe.
— I heard Boylan made a |3cool3| hundred quid over it, says Alf.
— Who? Blazes? says Joe
And says Bloom:
— What I meant about tennis,
for example, is the agility and training the eye.
— Ay, Blazes, says Alf. He let out that Myler was on the beer to run up the odds and he swatting all the time.
— |3I We3| know him, says the citizen. The traitor's son. |3I We3| know what put |3English3| gold in his pocket.
— True for you, says Joe.
And Bloom cuts in again about lawn tennis and the circulation of the blood, asking Alf:
— Now, don't you think, Bergan?
— Myler dusted the floor with him, says Alf. Heenan and Sayers was only a bloody fool to it. See the little kipper not up to his navel and the big fellow swiping. God, he gave him one last puck in the wind, Queensberry rules and all, made him puke what he never ate.
It was a historic battle. Handicapped as he was by lack of poundage
Dublin's pet lamb made up for it by superlative skill in ringcraft. The
final bout of fireworks was a gruelling for both champions. Bennett had tapped
some lively claret in the previous mixup and Myler came on looking groggy. The
soldier got to business leading off with a powerful left jab to which Myler
retaliated by shooting out a stiff one to Bennett's face. The latter ducked
but the Dubliner lifted him with a left hook, the punch being a fine one. The
men came to handigrips and the bout ended with Bennett on the ropes, Myler
punishing him. The Englishman was liberally drenched with water and when the
went came on gamey and full of pluck. It was a fight to a finish and the best man
for it. The two fought like tigers and excitement ran fever high. After a brisk exchange of courtesies during which a smartº upper cut of the military man brought blood freely from his opponent's mouth the lamb suddenly landed a terrific left to Bennett's stomach, flooring him flat. It was a knockout clean and clever. Amid tense expectation the Portobello bruiser was counted out and Myler declared victor to the frenzied cheers of the public who broke through the ringropes and fairly mobbed him with delight.
— He knows which side his bread is buttered, says Alf. I hear he's running a concert tour now up in the north.
— He is, says Joe. Isn't he?
— Who? says Bloom. Ah, yes. That's quite true. Yes, a kind of summer tour, you see. Just a holiday.
— Mrs B. is the bright particular star, isn't she? says Joe.
— My wife? says Bloom. She's singing, yes. I think it will be a success too. He's an excellent man to organise. Excellent.
Hoho begob says I to myself says I. That explains the milk in the cocoanut and absence of hair on the animal's chest. Blazes doing the tootle on the flute. Concert tour. Dirty Dan the dodger's son that sold the same horses twice over to the government to fight the Boers. That's the bucko that'll organise her, take my tip. Twixt me and you Caddareesh.
Pride of Calpe's rocky mount, the ravenhaired daughter of Tweedy. There grew she to peerless beauty where loquat and almond scent the air. The gardens of Alameda knew her step: the garths of olives knew and bowed. The chaste spouse of Leopold is she: Marion of the bountiful bosoms.
And lo, there entered one of the clan of the O'Molloy's, a comely hero of white face yet withal somewhat ruddy, his majesty's counsel learned in the law and with him the prince and heir of the noble line of Lambert.
— Hello, Ned.
— Hello, Alf.
— Hello, Jack.
— Hello, Joe.
— God save you, says the citizen
— Save you kindly, says J.J. What'll it be, Ned?
— Half one, says Ned.
So J.J. ordered the drinks.
— Were you round at the court?º says Joe.
— Yes, says J.J. He'll square that, Ned, says he.
— Hope so, says Ned.
Now what were those two at? J.J. getting him off the jury list and the other give him a leg over the stile. With his name in Stubbs's. Playing cards, hobnobbing with flash |3swells, toffs and3| drinking fizz and he |3half3| smothered in writs and garnishee orders. |3Gob, he'll come home by weeping cross one of theseº days, I'm thinking.3|
— Did you see that bloody lunatic Breen round there? says Alf. U.p: up
— Yes, says J.J. Looking for a private detective.
— Ay, says Ned. And he wanted right go wrong to address the court only Corny Kelleher got round him telling him to get the handwriting examined first.
— Ten thousand pounds, says Alf, laughing. God, I'd give anything to hear him before a judge and jury.
— Was it you did it, Alf? says Joe. |3The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Jimmy Johnson.3|
— Me|3!?3| says Alf. |3Don't cast |ayoura| nasturtiums on my character.3|
— Whatever statement you make, says Joe, will be taken down in evidence against you.
— Of course an action would lie, says J.J. It implies that he is not compos mentis. U.p: up.
— Compos what! says Alf, laughing. Do you know that he's balmy? Look at his head. Do you know that some mornings he has to get his hat on with a shoehorn.
— Yes, says J.J, but the truth of a libel is no defence to an indictment for publishing it in the eye of the law.
— Ha ha, sa Alf, says Joe.
— Still, says Bloom, on account of the poor woman, I mean |3his wife3|.
— Pity about her, says the citizen. Or any other woman marries a half and half.
— How half and half? says Bloom. Do you mean he …
mean half and half Half and half I
the citizen. A fellow that's neither fish nor flesh.
— Nor good red herring, says Joe.
— That what's I mean, says the citizen. A pishogue, if you know what that is.
Begob I saw there was trouble coming. And Bloom explaining he meant on account of it being cruel for the wife. having to go round after the old stuttering fool. Cruelty to animals so it is to let that |3bloody3| Breen out on grass. with his beard out tripping him. And she with her nose cocked up after she married him because a cousin of his old fellow's was pewopener to the pope. Picture of him on the wall with his Turk's moustaches, the signior from Summer hill, two pair back and passages, and he covered with all kinds of breastplates bidding defiance to the world.
— And moreover, says J.J, a postcard is publication. It was held to be sufficient evidence of malice in the testcase Sadgrove v. Hole. In my opinion an action might lie.
Six and eightpence, please. Who wants your opinion? Let us drink our pints in peace. Gob, we won't be let even do that much.
— Well good health, Jack, says Ned
— Good health, Ned, says J.J.
— There he is again, says Joe.
— Where? says Alf.
And begob there he was passing the door with his books under his oxter and the wife beside him and Corny Kelleher with his wall eye looking in as they went past, talking to him like a father, trying to sell him a secondhand coffin.
— How did that Canada swindle case go off? says Joe.
— Remanded, says J.J.
One of the bottlenosed tribe it was went by the name of James Wought alias
Saphiro alias Spark and Spiro put an ad in the papers saying he'd give a
passage to Canada for twenty bob. What? Course it was a bloody barney. What?
Swindled them all, skivvies and badhachs from
the county Meath, ay, and his own kidney too. J.J. was telling us there was an ol ancient Hebrew Zaretsky or something weeping in the witness box with his hat on him swearing by the holy Moses he was stuck for two quid.
— Who tried the case? says Joe.
— Recorder, says Ned.
— Poor old |3recorder Sir Frederick Falkiner3|, says Alf, you can cod him up to the two eyes.
— Heart as big as a lion, says Ned. Tell him a tale of woe about arrears of rent and a sick wife and a squad of kids and, faith, he'll dissolve in tears on the bench.
— Ay, says Alf. Reuben J. was bloody lucky he didn't clap in the dock the other day |3for suing poor little Gumly that's minding stones for the corporation there near Butt bridge3|.
And he starts taking off the old recorder letting on to cry:
— A most scandalous thing! This poor hardworking man! How many children? Ten, did you say?
— Yes, your worship. And my wife has |3the3| typhoid.
— And the wife |3with3| typhoid |3fever3|! Scandalous! Leave the court immediately, sir. No, sir, I'll make no order for payment. How dare you, sir, come up before me and ask me to make an order! A poor hardworking industrious man! unread I dismiss the case.
And on the sixteenth day of the month of the oxeyed goddess the daughter of
the skies, the virgin moon, being then in her first quarter those learned judges
repaired them to the halls of law. There Master Courtenay, sitting in his own
chamber, gave his rede and master Justice Andrews, sitting without a jury in the
probate court, weighed well and pondered the claim of the first chargeant upon the property in the matter of the
will propounded and final testamentary disposition of the real and personal estate of the late lamented Jacob Halliday, vintner, deceased, versus Livingstone, of unsound mind, and another. And to the solemn court of Green street there came sir Frederick the Falconer. And he sat him there to administer the law of the brehons at the commission to be holden in and for the county of the city of Dublin. And there sat with him the high sinhedrim of the twelve tribes of Iar, for every tribe one man, of the tribe of Patrick and of the tribe of Hugh and of the tribe of Owen and of the tribe of Conn and of the tribe of Oscar and of the tribe of Fergus and of the tribe of Finn and of the tribe of Dermot and of the tribe of Cormac and of the tribe of Kevin and of the tribe of Caolte and of the tribe of Ossian, there being in all twelve good men and true. And he conjured them by Him who died on rood that they should well and truly try and true deliverance make in the issue joined between their sovereign lord the king and the prisoner at the bar and true verdict give according to the evidence so help them God and kiss the book. And they rose in their seats, the twelve of Iar, and they swore by the name of Him Who is from everlasting that they would do His rightwiseness. And straightway the minions of the law led forth from their donjon keep one whom the sleuthhounds of justice had apprehended in consequence of information received. And they shackled him hand and foot and would take of him ne bail ne mainprise but
preferred a charge against him for he was a malefactor.
— Those are nice things, says the citizen, coming over here to Ireland filling the country with bugs.
So Bloom let on he heard nothing and he starts talking with Joe, telling him he needn't trouble about that little matter till the first but if he would just say a word to Mr Crawford. And so Joe unread swore high and holy he'd do the devil and all.
— Because, you see, says Bloom, for an advertisement you must have repetition. That's the whole secret.
— Rely on me, says Joe.
— Swindling the peasants, says the citizen, and the poor of Ireland. We want no more strangers in our house.
— O, I'm sure that will be all right, Hynes, says Bloom. It's just that Keyes, you see.
— Consider that done, says Joe.
— Very kind of you, says Bloom.
— The strangers, says the citizen. Our own fault. We let them come in. We brought them in. The adulteress and her paramour brought the Saxon robbers here.
— Decree nisi, says J.J.
And Bloom letting on to be awfully |3deeply3| interested in nothing, a spider's web in the corner behind the barrel and the citizen scowling after him and the old dog at his feet looking up to know who to bite and when.
— A dishonoured wife, says the citizen, that was the cause of all our misfortunes.
— Give us a squint at her, says I.
And what was it only one of the smutty
Norman W. Tupper, a wealthy Chicago contractor, finds faithless wife in lap of
officer Taylor and he rushing in with his pistol
have borrows off of Corny
Kellehera|. Misconduct of
society belle. Norman W. Tupper, wealthy Chicago contractor finds pretty but
faithless wife in lap of officer Taylor. Belle in
misconducting herself, and her fancyman feeling for her tickles and Norman W
Tupper bouncing in with his
peashooter3| just in time to be late after she doing the trick
of the loop with officer Taylor.
— O jakers, Jenny, says Joe, how short your |3skirt shirt3| is!
— There's hair, Joe, says I. Get a queer old sirloin off of that one, what?
So anyhow in came John Wyse Nolan and Lenehan with him with a face on him as long as a late breakfast.
— Well, says the citizen, what did those tinkers in the city hall decide about the Irish language?
O'Nolan, clad in shining armour, low bending made obeisance to the puissant chief of Erin and did him to wit of that which had befallen, how that the grave elders of the most obedient city, second of the realm, m had met them in the tholsel, and there, after due prayers to the gods who dwell in ether supernal, had taken solemn counsel whereby they might, if so be it might be, bring once more into honour among mortal men the winged speech of the seadivided Gael.
— It's on the march, says the citizen. To hell with the bloody brutal Sassenachs and their language
So J.J. puts in a word, doing the toff, and Bloom trying to back him up. Moderation and botheration.
— To hell with them, says the citizen. The curse of a good for nothing God light sideways on the bloody thicklugged sons of whores' gets. Any civilisation they have they stole from us. Tonguetied sons of bastards' ghosts.
— The European family, says J.J. ….
— They're not European, says the citizen. I was in Europe. You wouldn't see a trace of |3them or3| their language anywhere in Europe except in an watercloset.
And says |3Lenehan John Wyse3|:
— Full many a flower is born to blush unseen.
And says Lenehan, that knows a bit of the lingo:
— Conspuez les anglais! Perfide Albion!
Then lifted he in his rude great brawny strengthy hands the medher of dark
strong foamy ale and he drank to the undoing of his foes, a race of mighty
valorous heroes, rulers of the waves, who sit on
thrones of alabaster silent as the deathless gods.
— What's up with you, says I to Lenehan. You look like a fellow that had lost a bob and found a tanner.
— Gold cup, says he.
— Who won, Mr Lenehan? says Terry.
— And Bass's |3horse mare3|? says Terry.
— Still running, says he. We're all in a cart. Boylan plunged two quid on my tip Sceptre for himself and a lady friend.
So |3we he3| went over to the biscuit tin Bob Doran left to see if there was anything he could lift on the nod. |3and nothing in it but crumbs after the old dog gobbling it all. the do old cur after him backing his luck with his mangy snout up. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard.3|
— Not there, my child, says he.
— Keep your pecker up, says Joe. She'd have won the money only for the other dog.
And J.J. and the citizen arguing about law and history with Bloom sticking in an odd word.
— Some people, says Bloom, can see the mote in others' eyes but they can't see the beam in their own.
— Raimeis, says the citizen. Where are the twenty millions of Irish should be here today instead of four? And our potteries and textiles, the finest in the world! And the beds of the Barrow and Shannon they won't deepen with a million acres of marsh and bog to make us all die of consumption?
— As treeless as Portugal we'll be soon, says John
Wyse, if something is not to reafforest the land. Larches, firs, all the trees
of the conifer family are
going fast. I was reading a report ….
— Save them, says the citizen, save the trees of Ireland for the future men of Ireland.
— Europe has its eyes on you, says Lenehan.
The fashionable international world attended en masse this afternoon at the wedding of the chevalier Jean Wyse de Nolan, grand high chief ranger of the Irish National Foresters, with Miss Fir Conifer of Pine Valley. The bride looked exquisitely charming in a creation of green mercerised silk, moulded on an underslip of gloaming grey, sashed with a yoke of broad emerald and finished with a triple flounce of darker hued fringe, the scheme being relieved by bretelles and hip insertions of acorn bronze. The maids of honour, Miss Larch Conifer and Miss Spruce Conifer, sisters of the bride, wore very becoming costumes in the same tone, a dainty motif of plume rose being worked into the pleats in a pinstripe and repeated capriciously in the jadegreen toques in the form of heron feathers of paletinted coral.
— And our eyes are on Europe, says the citizen. We had our trade with Spain and French and with the Flemings before those mongrels were born, Spanish ale in Galway, the winebark on the winedark waterway.
— And will again, says Joe.
— And with the help of the holy mother of God we will
again, says the citizen. Our harbours that are empty will be full again,
Queenstown, Kinsale, Galway, Killybegs, the third largest harbour in the wide world. And will again, says
he, when the first Irish battleship is seen breasting the waves with the green flag to the fore.
And he took the last swig out of the pint, Moya. Cows in Connacht have long horns. Ought to go down and address the multitude in Shanagolden where he daren't show his nose fear the Molly Maguires would let daylight through him for grabbing the holding of an evicted tenant.
— Hear, hear to that, says John Wyse. What will you have?
— An imperial yeomanry, says Lenehan, to celebrate the occasion.
— Half one, Terry, says John Wyse, and a hands up. Terry! Are you asleep?
— Yes, sir, says Terry. Small whisky and bottle of Allsop. Right, sir.
Hanging over the bloody paper with Alf looking for spicy bits instead of attending to the general public. Picture of a butting match, trying to crack their bloody skulls, one chap going for the other with his head down like a bull at a gate. And another one: Black Beast Burned in |3blank Omaha. Ga3|. A lot of Deadwood Dicks in slouch hats and they firing at a Sambo strung up in on a tree |3with his tongue out3| and a bonfire under him. Gob, they ought to drown him in the sea after |3and electrocute |aand crucifya| him3| to make sure of the job.
— But what about the fighting navy, says Ned, that keeps our foes at bay?
— I'll tell you what about it, says the citizen. |3Hell upon earth it is.3| Read the revelations that's going on in the papers about flogging on the training ships at Portsmouth. A fellow writes that calls himself Disgusted |3One3|.
So he starts telling us about
corporal punishment and about the crew of tars and
and officers and rearadmirals drawn up in cocked hats and the parson with his protestant bible to witness punishment and a young lad brought out, howling for his ma, and they tie him down on the buttend of a gun.
— A rump and dozen, says the citizen, was what that old ruffian sir John Beresford called it but the modern God's Englishman calls it caning on the breech.
And says John Wyse:
— 'Tis a custom more honoured in the breech than in the observance.
Then he was telling us the master at arms comes along with a long cane and he draws out and he flogs the bloody backside off of the poor lad till he yells meila murder.
— That's your glorious British navy, says the citizen, that bosses the earth. The fellows that never will be slaves, with the only hereditary chamber in Europe and their land in the hands of a dozen gamehogs and cottonball barons. That's the great empire they boast about of drudges and whipped serfs.
— On which the sun never rises, says Joe.
— And the tragedy of it is, says the citizen, they believe it. The unfortunate Yahoos believe it.
They believe in rod, the scourger almighty, |3flayer of heaven and creator of hell upon3| earth, and in Jacky Tar, the son of a gun, who was conceived of unholy boast, born of the fighting navy, suffered under rump and dozen, was scarified, flayed and curried, yelled like bloody hell, the third day he arose again from the bed, steered into haven, sitteth on his beam end till further orders when he shall come to drudge for a living and be paid.
— But, says Bloom, isn't discipline the same
everywhere. I mean wouldn't it be the same here
if you put force against force?
Didn't I tell you? As true as I'm drinking this porter if he was on his last gasp he'd try to downface you that dying was living.
— We'll put force against force, says the citizen. We have our greater Ireland beyond the sea. They were driven out of house and home in the black '47. Their mudcabins by the roadside were laid low by the batteringram and the Times rubbed its hands and told the whitelivered Saxons there would soon be as few Irish in Ireland as redskins in America. Even the Turks sent us help. But the Sassenach tried to starve the nation at home while the land was full of crops that the British hyenas bought and sold in Rio de Janeiro. Ay, they drove out the peasants in hordes. Twenty thousand of them died in the coffin ships. But those that came to the land of the free remember the land of bondage. And they will come again and with a vengeance: the sons of Granuaile.
— Perfectly true, says Bloom. But my point was ….
— We are a long time waiting for that day, citizen, says Ned. Since the French landed at Killala.
— Ay, says John Wyse. We gave our best blood to France and Spain, the wild geese. Fontenoy, eh? And Sarsfield and O'Donnell, duke of Tetuan in Spain and Ulysses Browne of Camus that was fieldmarshal to Maria Teresa. But what did we ever get for it?
— The French! says the citizen. Set of dancing masters. Do you know what it is? They were never worth a roasted fart to Ireland. Aren't they trying to make an entente cordial now with perfidious Albion? Firebrands of Europe and they always were:
— Conspuez les français, says Lenehan, nobbling his beer.
— And as for the Germans, says Joe, haven't we had enough of those sausageeating bastards on the throne from George the elector down to the flatulent old bitch that's dead?
Jesus, I had to laugh at the way he came out
with that about the old one with the winkers on her, blind drunk |3in her |aroyala| palace3| every night with her jorum of mountain dew and her coachman carrying her up body and bones to roll into bed and she pulling him by the whiskers and singing him old bits of songs about |3highland laddie Ehren on the Rhine3| and come where the boose is cheaper.
— Well, says J.J. We have Edward the peacemaker now.
— Tell that to a fool, says the citizen. There's a bloody sight more pox than pax about that boyo.
— And what do you think, says Joe, of the holy boys, the priests and bishops of Ireland doing up his room in Maynooth in his racing colours and sticking up pictures of all the horses his jockeys rode.
— They ought to have stuck up all the women he rode, says little Alf.
And says J.J:
— Considerations of space influenced their lordships' decision.
— Will you try another, citizen? says Joe.
— Yes, sir, says he. |3I will3|
— You? says Joe.
— Thank you, Joe, says I.
— Repeat that dose, says Joe.
Bloom was talking and talking with John Wyse and he quite excited with his old plum eyes rolling about.
— Persecution, says he, |3all3| the |3history of3| world is full of it. Perpetuating national hatred among nations.
— But do you know what a nation means? says John Wyse
— Yes, says Bloom
— A nation? says Bloom. A nation is the same people living in |3a the same3| place.
— By God, then, says Ned, laughing, if that's so I'm a nation for I'm living in the same place for the past years.
So of course everyone had the laugh at Bloom and says he, trying to muck out of it:
— Or also living in different places.
— That covers my case, says Joe.
— What is your nation if I may ask? says the citizen.
— Ireland, says Bloom. I was born here. Ireland.
The citizen said nothing only cleared the spit out of his gullet and, gob, he spat an oyster out of him right in the corner.
— After you with the push, Joe, says he.
— Here you are, citizen, says Joe. Take that in your right hand and repeat after me the following words.
— Which is which? says I.
— That's mine, says Joe, as the devil said to the dead policeman.
— And I belong to a race too, says Bloom, that is hated and persecuted. Also now. This very moment. This very instant.
Gob, he near burnt the c his fingers with the butt of his old cigar.
— Robbed, says he. Plundered. Insulted. Persecuted. Taking what belongs to us by right. At this very moment, says he, putting up his fist.
— Are you talking about |3the new3| Jerusalem? says the citizen.
— I'm talking about injustice, says Bloom.
— Right, says John Wyse. Stand up to it then with force like men.
That's an almaniac picture for you. Old lardyface standing up to the business end of a gun. Gob, he'd adorn a sweeping brush, so he would, if he only had a nurse's apron on him. And then he collapses all of a sudden, twisting around all the opposite, as limp as a wet rag.
— But it's no use, says he. Force, hatred, history, all that. That's not life for men and women, insult and hatred. And everybody knows that it's the very opposite of that that is really life.
— What? says Alf
— Love, says Bloom. I mean the opposite of hatred. I must
go now, says he to John Wyse. Just round to the court a moment to see if Martin is there. If he comes just
say I'll be back in a second. Just a moment.
And off he pops.
— A new apostle to the gentiles, says the citizen. Universal love.
— Well, says John Wyse. Isn't that what we're told. Love your neighbour.
— That chap? says the citizen. Beggar my neighbour is his motto. Love, moya! He's a nice pattern of a Romeo and Juliet.
Love loves to love love. Nurse loves the new chemist. Constable 25 A loves Mary Kelly. Gertie MacDowell loves the boy that has the bicycle. M.B. loves a fair gentleman. Li Chi Han lovey up kissy Cha Pu Chow. Jumbo, the elephant, loves Alice, the elephant. Old Mr Verschoyle with the ear trumpet loves old Mrs Verschoyle with the turned in eye. The man in the brown mackintosh loves a lady who is dead. His majesty the king loves her majesty the queen. Mrs Norman W. Tupper loves officer Taylor. You love a certain person. And |3that this3| person loves that other person because everybody loves somebody but God loves everybody.
— Well, Joe, says I, your very good health and song. More power, citizen
— Hurrah, there, says Joe.
— The blessing of God and Mary and Patrick on you, says the citizen.
And he ups with his pint to wet his whistle.
— We know those canters, says he, preaching and picking your pocket. What about Cromwell that put the women and children of Drogheda to the sword with bible texts God is love pastedº round the mouth of his cannons. The bible! Did you read that |3skit3| in the United Irishman today |3about that Zulu chief that's visiting England3|?
— What's that? says Joe.
So the citizen takes up one of his papers and he starts reading out:
— A delegation of the chief cotton magnates of Manchester was presented yesterday to his
Majesty the Alaki of Abeakuta by Gold Stick in Waiting, Lord Walkup of Walkup on Eggs. to tender to his majesty the heartfelt thanks of British traders for the facilities afforded them in his dominions. The dusky potentate, in the course of a gracious speech, freely translated by the British chaplain the reverend Ananias Praisegod Barebones, tendered his best thanks to Massa Walkup and emphasisedº the cordial relations existing between Abeakuta and the British empire., stating that he treasured as one of his dearest possessions an illuminated bible presented to him by the white chief woman, the great squaw Victoria. The alaki then drank a loving cup to the toast Black and White from the skull of his immediate predecessor in the dynasty Kakachakachak, surnamed Forty Warts.
— Widow woman, says Ned.º I wouldn't doubt her. Wonder did he put that bible to the same use as I would.
— Same only more so, says Lenehan. And thereafter in that fruitful land the broadleaved mango flourished exceedingly.
— Is that by Griffith? says John Wyse.
— No, says the citizen. It's not signed Shanganagh. It's only initialled: P.
— And a very good initial too, says Joe.
— That's how it's worked, says the citizen. Trade follows the flag.
— Well, says J.J, if they're any worse than those Belgians in the Congo Free State they must be bad. Did you read that report by a man what's this his name is?
— Casement, says the citizen. He's an Irishman.
— Yes, that's the man, says J.J. Raping the women and girls and flogging the natives on the belly to squeeze all the red rubber they can out of them.
— I know where he's gone,
Lenehan, cracking his fingers.
— Who? says I.
— Bloom, says he. The courthouse is a blind. He had a few bob on Throwaway and he's gone to gather in the shekels.
— That's where he's gone, says Lenehan. I met Bantam Lyons going to back that horse only I put him off it and he told me Bloom gave him the tip. Bet you what you like he has a hundred shillings to five on. He's the only man in Dublin has it. A dark horse.
— He's a bloody dark horse himself, says Joe.
— Mind, Joe, says I. Show us the entrance out.
— There you are, says Terry.
So I just went round the back of the yard to pumpship and begob (hundred shillings to five) while I was letting off my (Throwaway twenty to) letting off my load gob says I to myself I knew |3there he3| was |3something on uneasy in3| his (two pints |3I had off Joe3| and one in Slattery's |3with off3|) in his mind to get off the mark to (hundred shillings is five quid) and when they were in the (dark horse) pisser Burke told me card party and |3his wife up with the sick child letting on the child was sick3| (gob, must have done about a gallon) |3flabbyarse of a wife3| speaking down the tube she's better or she's (ow!) all a plan so he could |3clear out vamoose3| with the pool if he won or (Jesus, full up I was) trading without a licence (ow!) never be up to those bloody (there's the last of it) |3Jerusalemites (ah!) Jerusalem (ah!) cuckoos.3|
So anyhow when I got back they were at it dingdong, John Wyse saying it was
Bloom gave the ideas for Sinn Fein to Griffith to put in his paper all kinds of
jerrymandering, packed juries and swindling the
taxes off the government and appointing consuls all over the world to walk about selling Irish industries. Robbing Peter to pay Paul. Gob, that puts the bloody kybosh on it. if old sloppy eyes is mucking up the show. God save Ireland from the likes of that bloody mouseabout. Mr Bloom with his argol bargol. Gob, he's like Lanty MacHale's goat that'd go a piece of the road with every one.
— Well, it's a fact, says John Wyse. And there's the man now that'll tell you all about it, Martin Cunningham.
Sure enough the castle car drove up with Martin on it and Jack Power with him and a fellow named Crofter or Crofton pensioner out of the collector general's an orangeman Blackburn has on the registration and he drawing his pay or Crawford jaunting around the country |3at the king's expense.3|
Our travellers reached the rustic hostelry and alighted from their palfreys.
— Ho, varlet! cried he, who by his mien seemed the leader of the party. Saucy knave! To us!
So saying he knocked loudly with his swordhilt upon the open lattice.
Mine host came forth at the summons, girding him with his tabard.
— Give you good den, my masters, said he with an obsequious bow.
— Bestir thyself, sirrah! cried he who had knocked. Look to our steeds. And for ourselves give us of your best for ifaith we need it.
— Lackaday, good masters, said the host, my poor house has but a bare larder. I know
not what to offer your lordships.
— How now, fellow? cried the second of the party, a man of pleasant countenance, So serve you the king's messengers, master Taptun?
An instantaneous change overspread the landlord's visage.
— Cry you mercy, gentlemen, he said humbly. An you be the king's messengers (God shield his majesty!) you shall not want for aught. The king's friends (God bless his majesty!) shall not go afasting in my house I warrant me.
— Then about! cried the traveller who had not spoken, a lusty trencherman by his aspect. Hast aught to give us?
Mine host bowed again as he made answer:
— What say you, good masters, to a cold pigeon pasty, a boar's head with pistachios and a flagon of old Rhenish?
— Gadzooks! cried the last speaker. That likes me well. Pistachios!
— Aha! cried he of the pleasant countenance. A poor house, and a bare larder, quotha! 'Tis a merry rogue.
So in comes Martin asking where was Bloom.
— Where is he? says Lenehan. Defrauding widows and orphans.
— Isn't that a fact, says John Wyse, what I was telling the citizen about Bloom and the Sinn Fein?
— That's so, says Martin. Or so they allege.
— Who made those allegations? says Alf
— I, says Joe. I'm the alligator.
— And after all, says John Wyse, why can't a jew love his country like the next fellow?
— Why not? says J.J. when he's quite sure which country it is.
— Is he a jew or a gentile or what the hell is he? says Ned.
— He's a perverted jew, says Martin, from a place in
Hungary and it was he drew up all the plans according to the Hungarian system. We know that in the castle.
— Isn't he a cousin of Bloom the dentist? says Jack Power.
— Not at all, says Martin. His name was Virag, the father's name that poisoned himself. He changed it by deedpoll., the father did.
— That's the new Messiah for Ireland! says the citizen. Island of saints and sages!
— Well, they're still waiting for their redeemer, says Martin. For that matter so are we.
— Yes, says J.J., and every male that's born they think it may be their Messiah. |3They are And every jew is3| in a |3great tall3| state of excitement, I believe, till |3they know he knows3| if |3it's a boy he's |aan uncle a father or a mothera|3|.
— Expecting every moment will be |3their his3| next, says Lenehan.
— O, by God, says Ned, you should have seen Bloom before that son of his that died was born. I met one day in the south city markets buying a tin of Neave's food six weeks before the wife was delivered.
— In En ventre sa mère, says J.J.
— Do you call that a man? says the citizen.
— I wonder did he ever put it out of sight, says Joe.
— Well, there were two children born anyhow, says Jack Power.
— And who does he suspect? says the citizen
Gob, there's many a true word spoken in jest. One of those mixed middling he is. Lying up in the hotel pisser Burke told me once a month with headache like a totty with her courses. Why are things like that let live? Then sloping off with his five quid without putting up a pint like a man.
— Charity to the neighbour, says Martin. But where is he? We can't wait.
— A wolf in sheep's clothing,
says the citizen. That's what he is. Virag from Hungary! Ahasuerus I call him. Cursed by God.
— Have you time for a brief libation, Martin? says Ned.
— Only one, says Martin. We must be quick. John Jameson.
— You, Jack? Crofton? Three half ones, Terry.
— Saint Patrick would want to come and convert us again, says the citizen, after allowing things like that to contaminate our shores.
— Well, says Martin, taking his glass. God bless all here is my prayer.
— Amen, says the citizen.
— And I'm sure |3he He3| will, says Joe.
And at the sound of the sacring bell the blessed company drew nigh of monks
and friars: the monks of Benedict of Spoleto, Carthusians and Camaldolesi,
Cistercians and Olivetans, Oratorians and Vallombrosans, and the friars of
Augustine, Brigittines, Premonstratesians, Servi, Trinitarians, and the children
of Peter Nolasco: and therewith from Carmel mount the children of Elijah prophet
led by Albert bishop and by Teresa of Avila, calced and other: and friars, brown
and grey, sons of poor Francis, capuchins, cordeliers, minimes and observants
and the daughters of Clara: and the sons of Dominic and of Vincent, and Ignatius
his children: and the confraternity of the christian brothers led by the
reverend brother Rice. And after came all saints and martyrs, virgins and
confessors: S. Isidore Arator and S. James the Less and S. Phocas of Sinope and
S. Julian Hospitator and S. Felix de Cantalice and S. Stephen Protomartyr and S.
John Nepomenuc and S. Thomas Aquinas and S. Ives
of Brittany and S. Herman-Joseph and the saints Gervasius, Servasius and Bonifacius and S. Bride and the saints Rose of Lima and of Viterbo and S. Martha of Bethany and S. Mary of Egypt and S. Barbara and S. Scholastica and S. Ursula with eleven thousand virgins. And all came with nimbi and aureoles and gloriae, bearing palms and harps and swords and olive crowns in robes whereon where woven the blessed symbols of their efficacies, inkhorns, arrows, loaves, cruses, fetters, axes, trees, bridges, babes in a bathtub, shells, wallets, shears, keys, dragons, lilies, buckshot, beards, hogs, lamps, bellows, beehives, soupladles, stars, snakes, anvils, boxes of vaseline, bells, crutches, forceps, stags' horns, watertight boots, hawks, millstones, eyes on a dish, wax candles, aspergills, unicorns. And as they wended their way by Nelson's Pillar, Henry street, Mary street, Capel street, Little Britain street chanting the introit in Epiphania Domini which beginneth Surge, illuminare and thereafter most sweetly the gradual Omnes which saith de Saba venient they did divers wonders such as casting out devils, raising the dead to life, multiplying fishes, healing the halt and the blind, discovering various articles which had been mislaid, interpreting and fulfilling the scriptures, blessing and prophesying. And last, beneath a canopy
of cloth of gold came the reverend Father O'Flynn attended by Malachi and Patrick. And when all had reached the appointed place the celebrant blessed the house and censed and sprinkled the lintels thereof with blessed water and prayed that God would bless that house as he had blessed the house of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and make the angels of His light to inhabit therein. And entering he blessed the viands and the beverages and the company of all the blessed answered his prayers.
— Adiutorium nostrum in nomine Domini.
— Qui fecit cœlum et terram.
— Dominus vobiscum.
— Et cum spiritu tuo.
And he laid his hands upon that he blessed and gave thanks and he prayer and they all with him prayed:
— Deus, cuius verbo sanctificantur omnia, benedictionem tuam effunde super creaturas istas: et praesta ut quisquis eis secundum legem et voluntatem tuam cum gratiarum actione usus fuerit per invocationem sanctissimi nominis tui corporis sanitatem et animae tutelam, te auctore, percipiat per Christum, dominum nostrum.
— And so say all of us, says Jack.
— Thousand a year, Lambert, says Crofton.
— Right, says Ned. And butter for fish.
I was just looking around to see who the happy thought would strike when, be damned but Bloom comes in again letting on to be in a hell of a hurry.
— I was just round at the courthouse, says he |3looking for you3|. I hope I'm not ….
— No, says Martin, we're ready.
eye. And your pockets hanging down with gold and silver. Mean bloody scut. Stand us a
drink itself. There's a jew for you! Hundred to five.
— Don't tell anyone, says the citizen.
— Beg your pardon, says Bloom
— Come on boys, says Martin, seeing it was looking blue. Come along now.
— Don't tell anyone, says the citizen, letting a bawl out of him.
And the bloody dog woke up and let a growl.
— Bye bye all, says Martin.
And he got them out as quick as he could, Jack Power and Crofton or whatever you call him and old Bloom in the middle of them letting on to be all at sea and up with them on the bloody car.
|3— Off with you, says Martin to the jarvey.3|
The milkwhite dolphin tossed his mane and, rising in the golden poop, the helmsman spread the bellying sail upon the wind. A many comely nymphs drew nigh to starboard and to larboard and, clinging to the sides of the noble bark, they linked their shining forms as doth the cunning wheelwright when he fashions about the heart of his wheel the equidistant rays whereof each one is sister to |3the other another3| and he binds them all with an outer ring and giveth speed to the feet of men whenas they ride to a hosting or contend for the smile of ladies fair. Even so did they come and set them those willing nymphs, the undying sisters. And they laughed, sporting in a circle of their foam: and the bark clave the waves.
But begob I was just lowering the last of the pint when I saw the citizen
getting up to waddle to the door and he cursing
bell book and candle in Irish and Joe and little Alf
trying to hold him back.
— Let me alone, says he.
And begob he got as far as the door and they holding him and he bawls out of him.
— Three cheers for Israel!
Arrah, sit down on the parliamentary side of your arse and don't be making |3a manifestation an exhibition3| ofº yourself. Jesus, there's always some bloody clown or other kicking up a bloody murder about bloody nothing. Gob, it'd turn the porter sour in your guts, so it would.
And all the ragamuffins and sluts of the place round the door and Martin telling the jarvey to drive ahead and the citizen bawling and Alf and Joe at him to whisht and Bloom on his high horse about the jews and the loafers calling for a speech and Jack Power trying to get him to sit down on the car and hold his bloody jaw and a young lad starts singing The Boys of Wexford and a slut shouts out of her:
— Eh, mister! Your fly is open, mister!
And says Bloom:
— Mendelssohn was a jew and Karl Marx and Mercadante and Spinoza. And your god was a jew and his father was a jew.
— He had no father, says Martin. That'll do now. Drive ahead
— Whose god? says the citizen.
— Well, his uncle was a jew, says Bloom. Your god was a jew. Christ was a jew like me.
Gob, the citizen w made a plunge into the shop.
— By Jesus, says he, I'll brain that bloody jewman for
using the holy name. By Jesus, I'll
crucify him so I will. Give us that biscuit box here.
— Stop! Stop! says Joe.
A large and appreciative gathering of friends and acquaintances assembled to bid farewell to Mr L Virag on the occasion of his departure for a distant clime. The ceremony which went off with great |3éclat éclat3| was characterised by the most affecting cordiality. An illuminated scroll, the work of Irish artists, was presented to the distinguished visitor on behalf of a large section of the community and was accompanied by the gift of a silver casket, tastefully executed in the style of ancient Celtic ornament, a work which reflects every credit on the makers, Messrs Jacob and Jacob. The departing guest was the recipient of a hearty ovation, many of those who were present being visibly moved when the select orchestra of Irish pipes struck up the wellknown strains of Come Back to Erin. Amid cheers that rent the welkin the vessel slowly moved away saluted by a final floral tribute from the representatives of the fair sex who were present in large numbers. Gone but not forgotten.
He got hold of the bloody tin anyhow and out with him, and little Alf hanging on to his elbow and he shouting like a stuck pig:
— Where is he till I murder him?
And Ned and J.J. paralysed with the laughing.
— Gob, says I, I'll be in for the last gospel.
But as luck would have it the jarvey got the nag's head round the other way and off with him.
— Hold on, citizen, says Joe. Stop!
Begob he made a swipe and let fly. Mercy of God the sun was in his eyes. Gob, he near sent it into the county Longford. The bloody nag took fright and the old mongrel after the car and all the populace shouting and laughing |3and the old tin box clattering along the street3|.
The catastrophe was terrific and instantaneous in its effect. The
observatory of Dunsink registered in all eleven shocks and there is no record
extant of a similar seismic disturbance in our island since the earthquake of
1534, the year of the rebellion of Silken Thomas. The epicentre appears to have
been that part of the metropolis which constitutes the Inn's Quay Ward and
parish of Saint Michan. All the lordly residence in the vicinity of the palace
of justice were demolished and that noble edifice itself, in which at the time
of the catastrophe, important legal debates were in progress, is literally a
mass of ruins beneath which it is to be feared all the occupants have been
buried alive. From the reports of
eyewitnessesº it transpires that the
seismic waves were accompanied by a violent atmospheric perturbation of cyclonic
character. An article of headgear since ascertained to belong to the much
respected clerk of the crown and peace Mr George Fottrell and a silk umbrella
with gold handle with the engraved initials, crest, coat of arms and house
number of the erudite and worshipful chairman of quarter sessions sir Frederick
Falkiner, recorder of Dublin, have been discovered by search parties in remote
parts of the island respectively, the former on the third
basaltic ridge of the giant's causeway, the latter embedded to the extent of one foot three inches in the sandy beach of Holeopen bay near the lower old head of Kinsale. Other eyewitnesses depose that they observed an incandescent object of enormous proportions hurtling through the atmosphere at a terrifying velocity in a trajectory directed southwest by west. Messages of condolence and sympathy are being hourly received from all parts of the different continents and the sovereign |3pontiff3| has been graciously pleased to decree that a special missa pro defunctis shall be celebrated simultaneously by the ordinaries of each and every parish church of all the episcopal dioceses subject to the spiritual authority of the holy see in suffrage of the souls of those faithful departed who have been so unexpectedly called away from our midst. The work of salvage, removal of debris, human remains etc has been entrusted to Messrs Michael Meade and Son, Great Brunswick street, and Messrs T. and C. Martin, North Wall, assisted by the men and officers of the Duke of Cornwall's light infantry under the general supervision of H.R.H, rear admiral, the right honourable sir Hercules Hannibal Habeas Corpus Anderson, K.G., K.P., K.T., P.C., K.C.B., M.P., J.P., M.B., D.S.O., S.O.D., M.F.H., M.R.I.A., B.L., Mus. Doc., P.L.G, F.R.C.P.I., and F.R.C.S.I.
You never saw the like of it in all your born puff. Gob, if he got that on
the side of his poll he'd remember the gold cup, so he would, but begob the
citizen would have been lagged for assault and battery and Joe for aiding and
abetting. The jarvey saved his life as sure as God made me.
What? O, Jesus, he did. And he let a volley of oaths after him.
— Did I kill him, says he, or what?
And he shouting to the bloody dog:
— After him, Garry! After him, boy!
And the last we saw was the bloody car rounding the corner and old sheepsface on it gesticulating and the bloody mongrel after it |3with his lugs back3| for all he was bloody well worth. Hundred to five! Jesus, he took the |3worth value3| of it out of him, I promise you.
When lo there came about them all a great brightness and they beheld the chariot wherein he stood ascend to heaven. And they beheld him in the chariot, clothed upon in the glory of the brightness, having raiment as of the sun, fair as the moon and terrible that for awe they durst not look upon him. And there came a voice out of heaven, calling: Elijah! Elijah! And he answered with a main cry: Abba! Adonai! And they beheld him |3even him, ben Bloom Elijah.3| amid clouds of angels ascend to the glory of the brightness at an angle of fortyfive degrees over Donohoe's in Little Green street like a shot off a shovel.